PARTHURBLOG

This morning ‘the middle one’ goes off for his work experience week at one of London’s top computer animation studios.

How times have changed: all my pre-university work was either in shops or cleaning jobs. At 15 we weren’t expected to think about our careers.

We couldn’t see further than earning a few pounds to buy a record, a pair of jeans and go to the pictures.

Of course, it’s not just the seriousness that’s changed. The very nature of work – the types of roles that are available – has changed too. One of the great challenges of education is trying to align current investment with future needs.

Three decades ago, no one could have foreseen the rise of the BRIC countries. So we were taught French and German.  For all the rationale about European partners, and Romantic/Teutonic structures, wouldn’t Arabic, Mandarin, Russian and Portuguese be more -  well – useful?

What was true then is true now.

As William Goldman says of the film industry: “No-one knows anything".”

So what does a parent advise a child today when they seek advice about  the big, wide world of work?

Rather than try to predict what might be useful, I am taking the opposite stance and telling my off-spring what is useless. Today.

So, my precious ones, don’t even THINK about becoming:

10. Meteorologist – “there’s a 60% chance of precipitation.” And a 100% chance that your forecast is nonsense

9. TV newsreader – a job that defies the rules of physics; how can the sound of a human voice emit from a total vacuum?

8. University researcher – "scientist have shown that by wrapping the blindingly obvious in faux statistics, the news channels will present it as a breakthrough discovery – and you’ll keep your funding for more pointless research." 

7. Strategic management consultant – people who think PowerPoint IS reality.

6. TV soccer pundit – like listening to a man in a bar, but without the ability to punch him (see TV newsreader above)

5. Political pollster – being able to make telephone calls, record answers, and add up the numbers does not make you an insightful genius nor give you the right to form the next government

4. Interior designers – decorators with accessories

3. Wedding planners – why spend £10k on your big day when you can spend £30k (plus backhanders) instead?

2. Psychics and Mediums – because the dead don’t have mobiles

1. Social Media Experts – who use social media to write about social media for people who want to use social media to communicate their views on social media to people who use social media. (How do you spell the sound that someone makes when they disappear up their own infinity loop?)

* * *

Of course, no parent has all the answers, so I’m throwing this one open: in the infinite variety of bullsh*t jobs on offer, what do you advise my children to avoid?

Popularity: 40% [?]

… in which an ex-Cosmo centrefold, with a penchant for his pick-up truck, was elected to the US senate. Then again, his opponent couldn’t spell the State’s name (Massachusetts), so given the choice between the  ill-equipped and the illiterate, who would you choose?

…in which the British government sent £6.1m in aid to Haiti, while agreeing that the CEO of RBS stands to make £10m. Better to be on the bottom-line than a fault-line.

…in which Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant at Claridge’s lost its Michelin star. Fortunately,  he retained the one in f*ck.

…in which Sir Fred Goodwin was hired by architects RMJM to advise on international expansion. Right – and Jeremy Clarkson is joining Friends of the Earth to advise on carbon reduction.

…in which Geoff ‘Rebel Without a Cause’ Hoon and ‘I’m Alright Jack’ Straw played pass the parcel at the Chilcot Inquiry. When the music stops and it ends up with Blair (as it will) he’ll say that it’s ticking, clear the room, and have the bomb squad take it away. In 45 minutes.

…in which Mariah Carey said that she considers herself black. Of all the disadvantaged groups in America, why didn’t she choose mute?

Popularity: 47% [?]

There is nothing more competitive than the Yummy Mummy.

This is where the one-upmanship of life starts. Watch a group of young mothers gather with their offspring in a coffee shop for that all-important display of early mother accoutrement – the most flagrant display of needless expense since Jonathan Ross’s contract.

Did you know that even the term ‘pushchair’ is SO yesterday? Pushchairs are for the  lower classes – those for whom sense and income might just about balance – and can easily be spotted by the small, round tubing of their construction.

Small round tubing; the  Ford Fiesta of baby perambulation. If you can pass the tubing of your pram through a  1cm hole, not only are you cheap, but you’re also putting your baby’s life at risk.

Not from physical harm. Just dying from embarrassment.

The pushchair has been consigned to the rubbish dump of recent history, along with leg warmers, shell suits and TV-AM.

A mummy can’t be yummy unless she has a buggy.

There are some very specific design ratios that must be applied to the yummy mummy and her buggy.:

1) Waist-to-Tubing ratio.  The thinner you are, the fatter the brushed aluminium of your buggy. The ultimate Yummy (Posh Spice) was actually the same circumference as the tubing of  the Beckham buggy.

2) Wheel-to-Income ratio. The fewer wheels you have, the greater your display in wealth. Less is more. ‘Three Wheels on My Wagon’ may have been a joke song when I was a lad, but today a tripod arrangement says more about you than dungarees from Oskosh B’Gosh ever can.

3) Spokes-to-Social Awareness ratio. “Spokes are SO tacky;  they just aren’t aerodynamically viable any longer. Vance and I are trading off the carbon footprint on our Range Rovers by cutting down of the turbulence  that Troy’s buggy causes.”

4) Colours-to-Conscience ratio. Baby blue, OUT. Baby pink, OUT.  “We don’t want Kumkwat growing up with preconceived notions of his/her gender. So we’ve gone for taupe with a aubergine lining. Very eco, you know?”

It is now 10:15 in the morning and the usual suspects have gathered. All except Sally-Ann-Pixibelle. Surely she can’t be about the trump Phoebe-Pipette, who last week brought Savannah in what looked like a golf trolley? There is a commotion at the door. Heads swivel as Sally-Ann-Pixibelle arrives on the latest must have: the TrioBike

And I take my hat off to the genius designer who saw a gap in the market and married the two biggest drivers of Yummy Mummydom ; status-conscious baby paraphernalia and the obsession with keeping in shape.

So here is Sally-Ann-Pixibelle on her buggy-exerciser hybrid.

And despite the proportions of the door and the shop’s fire regulations, she is determined to fit it in – along with baby Cinnamon – for all to see.

And in a small corner of Berkshire, there is a faint green glow of envy.

Popularity: 68% [?]

A rather youthful Willie Bain has just won Glasgow North East for Labour.

Is there more to his Party roots than officials are letting on?

I think we should be told.

Popularity: 61% [?]

Last Wednesday, the government announced it will stop funding ‘pointless’ university research and force academics to show that their research has some relevance in the real world.

Today, the BBC carried reports from the Institute for Ecological Chemistry and Molecular BioGeochemistry in Neuherberg, where Dr Gerard Leiger-Belair (whose name, co-incidentally, is an anagram of ‘Reliable  Read Rigger’ ) has ‘discovered’ that bubbles play an important role in champagne.

Non merde, Maigret?

Does this mean that, like in so many other industries, we are about to off-shore the creation of pointless research and its close cousin, the blindingly obvious survey?

We must not let this happen; for year after year, we have stood by and passively let the core skills and expertise of this country be exported. Now is the time to stand up and be counted – especially by someone with a clipboard.

BEST OF THE BEST

We must not let one of the last fields in which we are truly world-class be eroded by Eurocrats and off-shore profit skimmers. We must protect the right of ALL academics to publish nonsense papers in order to get their name into the media: it is a central part of our creative economy.

To that end, I give you a selection of recent findings from academics who may or may not exist. It’s up to you decide which are the real projects and which are nothing more than an attempt to hoodwink the press*:

• Dr Philip Henkleman, a biologist and Reader in Animal Physics at the Wendsleydale Academy for Veterinarian Studies, has discovered that the blood-splatter patterns of hedgehogs is directly proportional to the speed at which they are hit by motor vehicles;
• Professor Kylie Bugle and her team of psychologists at the University of Gosport discovered that sneaking up on someone and popping a paper bag behind them does not only cure hiccoughs, but can  result in death, especially when the subject of the test is performing heart surgery. Their work has led to breakthrough safety procedures in hospitals throughout the NHS;
• Dr Muriel Pentangle from Bridlington University has uncovered a direct correlation between over-eating and weight gain. That’s not an academic study – just a personal realisation;
• In a nationwide survey sponsored by Morrisbury’s, the supermarket chain, 17% of shoppers want to see more of those nice people who help you pack your bags, 28% would like to see fewer stacks of boxes in the cereal aisle which force you to get within a 4-year-old’s reach of the high-sugar breakfasts, and a massive 83% think that hanging is too good for people who take 9 items into the 8-items-or-less queue;
• Dr Anthony Flipper, Dean of Sport Studies at Shewsbury University has found that medal tallies at the Olympics are directly linked to how fast competitors run or how high they jump;
• Peter Thrimb and Arnold Lowslung from the Centre of New Media and Virtual Community Studies at Aberfeldy University have spent three years watching their students interact via Facebook, MySpace, Bebo and Twitter. The conclusion they reach is that it’s not been as effective as actual teaching;
• Professor Portia Peterborough, Departmental Head of the Dragons Business School at Greyfriars University, led a study of 500 small businesses, and found the one thing that would most benefit their growth would be a sharp reduction in the number of business academics asking them questions about business improvement.

The ingenuity, creativity and sheer hutzpah that goes into much of our academic research are qualities that will continue to give us a global edge in the knowledge economy. And anyway – without it, news bulletins will only be 10 mintes long, and newspapers no more that four pagers a day.

Hmmm. On second thoughts…

*there is no difference

Popularity: 23% [?]

The Visitor’s Guide to Music Exhibitions

My sons recently persuaded me to accompany them to the International Music Expo at the ExCeL Centre (’accompany’ – translation: pay for, feed and negotiate on behalf of).

No matter how hard one tries to ‘keep up’ with teenage vocabulary (’Jokes’. ‘Trust’. ‘Legend’), it becomes clear pretty quickly that frankly, you just don’t have a clue. You might think that you’ve just tuned-in, but in reality they’ve moved onto the next big thing after the one which was the next big thing after the big thing that you’ve just grasped.

In other words, you’re always at least two days behind.

So I have decided to change strategy. Rather than try to keep up with the next generation, I’m starting a new vocabulary for us parents that will give us a shorthand to describe the world that our off-spring inhabit. Use these in conversation, and watch their worried little faces become confused and wonder if they’re missing out on the cutting edge.

Here’s a starter list of tribes that I saw at the Expo:

SARNIES: pumped-up, close-cropped, shade-wrapped hunks of meat in singlets, leather trousers and motorcycle boots who sit completely motionless on the train, hoping to intimidate all those around. Look in their backpacks, and you’ll find that their Mums have sent them out with a light lunch wrapped in cling-film (”something for the journey”).

PINHEADS: would-be rockers whose individuality and anarchistic leanings can only be expressed by adorning their faces with metal decoration – using the same patterns, the same studs and the same chains as their friends who are also in the Cashpoint queue.

NITS: young men who wear droopy woollen hats for no reason; they are not Rastafarians, it is not cold, nor is it Christmas. Probably part of a Dutch religious cult, worshipping Father Abrahams

PEACE CORE: a sub-culture of child crime. By making the noise of the real thing completely unbearable at home, under-8s blackmail their parents into buying a £500 – £1000 digital drumkit (comprising of near-silent rubber hubcaps).

PLUGGERS: seasoned Expo-attendees (usually middle-aged men manning the stands) who know that the event organisers allow 10 minutes of free-form kit demonstration at ten-to the hour, every hour. If you’re really nice to them, they’ll let you have a pair of ear inserts that they ‘borrowed’ from an airline.

EVERESTS: musicians who have decided that playing an instrument well is not enough of a challenge, and who go out of their way to make it as difficult as possible (eg the inventor, manufacturer and world’s-only-exponent-of the 9-string bass guitar whose fingers aren’t long enough to reach all nine strings).

PIANOT: a group who think that because a computer has a keyboard, it is a musical intrument, and who believe that recording bloopy-bleepy sounds in the bathroom is just as skilful as playing a Fender Stratocaster.

Popularity: 15% [?]

Found myself in my first Twitter group today, on a riff to list bands who would be good company at breakfast. Here are my Top 20:

The Teardrop Eggsplodes
Sugar Puff Daddy
Shreaded Wheatus
Hovis Redding
Kate Roobois
Marianne Faithfull-English
Huey Lewis and the Meusli
Honey M
Curiosity Killed Decaff
Melon Kim
Mel ‘n’ Skimmed
Poachford
Amen Corner Yoghurt
Steeleye Span au Chocolat
Golden Herring
Albertos Y Los Brioche Paranoyos
The Earl Grateful Dead
The Mocha Turtles
S’Expresso
A Tommy K-ten

Pointless but fun. Any further suggestions?

Popularity: 30% [?]

Apparently, the working title of ‘Yesterday’ (the world’s most recorded song) was ‘Scrambled Eggs’.

Which made me wonder what other everyday minutiae has been edited out to make room for larger, more emotive sentiments in classic songs?

• You’re my first. You’re my last. I don’t know many people.
• I don’t want to go to MK Dons
• Gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to the Jeremy Kyle Show
• They say the neon lights are bright in Aldi’s
• England 2 Columbia 3
• Hey! You! Get off of my lawn
• Happy Xmas (War has been postponed for a kick-about )

• Trains and Boats and Planes – is there anything  Branson won’t brand?
• I Just Called to Say We Have a Limited offer on Double Glazing in Your Area
• When I saw her face; I’m A Believer (although I do find that Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens make a good case)
• If I Ruled the World, every day would be an opportunity to settle petty vendettas I’ve been harbouring for years
• In Spain, the best upper sets do it. Lituanians and Latts do it. Let’s do it. Let’s ignore the EU cod quota
• Starfish and coffee. Maple syrup and jam. Butterscotch clouds, a tangerine, and a side order of ham. (Thanks heavens for my gastric band)
• The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane (was dedacted from the MP’s published expenses)
• We Have All The Time in the World (as we’re waiting for a Virgin train)
• The Man who Sold the World has offered to take a cut in his pension
• She’s Electric (but she’s got real hair)
• What a good year for the roses (although the slugs got my bedding plants)

As ever, further suggestions most welcome

Popularity: 15% [?]

Much as I love our capital city, there are some days when events conspire to make me wonder if Dr Johnson would have quite such a rosy picture of the place if he were alive today.

A man who is tired of London…

…has been accosted by three freesheet vendors in as many yards

…is in a coffee shop being asked if he wants a Danish (as if he doesn’t have the whit to make that decision for himself while he was standing in the queue)

…has a headache from the preponderance of ’street furniture’ telling him all the things he is apparently too untrustworthy to do without Health and Safety advice

…has paid £10 for two teas in a hotel

…has been pushed off the pavement by an oaf who was texting while he was walking,  listening to an iPod and drinking soup

…is sitting next to a clique of young women who say ‘kinda like’ in every sentence, ending each with a rising syl-la-ble

…wonders which part of ’stand on the right’ is too complicated for people on escalators

…can’t get on the rush-hour tube because a family of seven grazing their way across the praries of Europe has decided that each one needs a backpack like Sir Ranulph Fiennes – along with a pushchair for good measure

…is listening to an announcement from Tube Central, saying that there’s a good service running all lines, while he waits quarter of an hour for a Circle Line train

…has been charged £2.25 booking fee (each) and £2.50 postage for theatre tickets that already cost the GDP of Bolivia

…can’t make up his mind which movie to see, as the posters for all of them proclaim that each one is a ‘masterpiece’

…hopes the Pound strengthens against the Euro very, very soon

…didn’t bring an umbrella

Popularity: 40% [?]

How many times have you crossed to the other side and failed to help a fellow citizen in need?

How many times have you ignored the plight of the poor, the lame and the destitute?

Today, we’re offering you a chance to make good on that; an opportunity to put something back into society and to help a group who have suffered long enough.

This is an appeal for the Organisation for Refined, Gentlemanly And Sensitive Management.

With full backing of the Football Association, the Samaritans, MIND and the KJFOOOG Foundation (Keep Johnny Foreigner Out of Our Game) we are launching a fund to help those deeply wounded by offensive body language.

* * * * *

This is Sam.

Sam has given his life to football, and has enjoyed an illustrious career. His trophy cabinet is full of the League of Ireland First Division Cup (1991-92).

He is selfless in his approach to the game. As recently as 2007, the Stevens Enquiry highlighted how  Sam was using his position and influence to look after others – especially his son, Craig.

Sam deserves respect.

And yet on Saturday 11 April he was the victim of a viscious attack by a Spanish assailant who, for legal reasons, we will refer to  as ‘Snr B’.

It is testimony to Sam’s bravery that he is willing to speak publicly about the trauma it has caused. (Readers of a nervous disposition might want turn away.)

“He opened his arms out and then crossed them over.”

Tears well in Sam’s eyes as he relives the horror:

“The game is hard enough as it is without a fellow manager doing what seemed to be an undermining gesture.”

It has left him deeply injured:

“In terms of respect, you don’t expect those sort of things to happen in a game of football. I was very, very upset by it.”

The attack was witnessed by 43,366 people, but it is a sad reflection on our society that no one came forward to report it. Until now.

This is Alex.

He watched it on TV a few days later. At first, he hid away, unwilling to speak about this blight affecting Britain. But after hearing of Sam’s case, he came forward to offer his considered version of events:

“To get that sort of contempt…is beyond the pale”

Alex is obviously very angry at what he saw. His face is very red.

“Arrogance is one thing. You cannot forgive contempt, which is what he showed last weekend.”

So there we have it; independent corroboration of blatant arm crossing and lack of respect towards one of the most vulnerable members of the community.

We must protect people like Sam.

Please give generously.

Next week:  Pudsey Bear will appeal on behalf of Sports Writers in Need (of a Story)

Popularity: 16% [?]